On Track For Surplus

On Track For Surplus

Transcript:

 

Good evening, I’m Noel Gallagher: and you’re listening to Snap News.

 

In international news, Ninel Borislav of EURussia opened up to the idea of the JAPIndia trade bloc, offering to relax trade restrictions with the bloc if it restricted trade with China. Fang Ju of China called the move ‘unhelpful,’ and retaliated by offering to relax trade restrictions with the United States if it restricted trade with EURussia. Borislav described China’s action as ‘uncooperative,’ and responded by offering to relax trade restrictions with the United States if it restricted trade with China. Ju called the move ‘a knee-jerk reaction,’ and retaliated by offering to relax trade restrictions with JAPIndia if it restricted trade with EURussia. Jurōjin Fukurokuju of JAPIndia and Emily Rice of the United States responded by relaxing trade restrictions with each other and restricting trade with EURussia and China. The head of the South Asian Council was unavailable for comment.

 

In local news, hazardous viral goods freighter Izanami has sunk three kilometres off the Auckland harbour earlier today due to an apparent breach in its lower hull. The vessel contained an experimental strain of the H1N2 gene flu virus, loaned to the University of Sciences, and described as ‘highly infectious and lethal’ by lead scientist Susanoo-no-Mikoto of the flu research project. Mr Mikoto stressed the gravity of the situation, but maintained that ‘with a co-ordinated international response this potential epidemic can be contained.’

 

Going over to politics, Green-Labour leader Bob Hope lashed out against the National party in response to the crisis, claiming that ‘if it wasn’t for this governments free-market dogma the shipping industry would be better regulated… none of this would have happened.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by pointing out that it was the Labour party who originally deregulated the shipping industry in the late twentieth century, and in any case ‘it was an accident that could have happened to anybody.’

 

In business news, the stock market rallied on the announcement of the impending epidemic, rising 2.3 percent, on hopes this would ease stubbornly high unemployment. At the Aotearoan Investors Union Conference [AInUC], CEO Sarah Sheen remarked that ‘none of us [AInUC members], of course, should be celebrating,’ as ‘the epidemic will introduce a lot of uncertainty into the economy after all.’ She went on to point out, however, that ‘this cloud does have a silver lining,’ as ‘the unemployed tend to live in over-crowded housing, and this virus will affect those living in over-crowded housing the most.’ In Sarah’s view, ‘Welfare costs have been going up for too long,’ and this epidemic could, on the upside ‘help rectify our country’s inequitable budgetary situation, and precipitate enhanced conditions for the generation of financial returns in the process.’

 

The government announced that it remains on track for surplus in three years time.

 

 

Good evening, I’m Noel Gallagher: and you’re listening to Snap News.

 

In international news, the H1N2 gene flu virus has spread to China in a contaminated cargo of topsoil. Landcorp shares fell 3.1% on fears this would impact the company’s international brand image. The Chinese ambassador to New Zealand, Dong Guo, expressed ‘dismay’ with Landcorp’s supposed ‘lax biosecurity measures,’ but emphasised that ‘the relationship of our countries remains one of friendship.’

 

Going over to politics, Green-Labour leader Bob Hope criticised the government ‘for not subsidising H1N2 related funeral services,’ a cost ‘many hard working kiwi families simply cannot afford to pay.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by revealing plans to build a massive crematorium, which will create ‘more than a thousand jobs’ in the process.

 

In business news, the government has announced that tax revenues continue to fall due to declining population figures. However, the government reassured the business community that government expenditures are also declining ‘at an exponential rate.’ Wind and solar subsidies costing an estimated 3.4 billion a year have been scrapped, as ‘carbon reduction targets will easily be met anyway.’ Stocks rose 0.8 percent on news the government remains on track for surplus in three years time.

 

 

Good evening, I’m Noel Gallagher: and you’re listening to Snap News.

 

In international news, the H1N2 gene flu virus has apparently broken through the South China quarantine, with cases being reported in Shenyang, Yinchuan, and Kashgar. Medical companies around the world continue their race to develop a vaccine, which is expected to earn the winning company up to ten trillion dollars New Zealand.

 

Going over to politics, Prime Minister Murray Evans announced in parliament this afternoon that the country is becoming less reliant on imports, with import values falling to the lowest level since 1933. Green-Labour leader Bob Hope retorted by revealing that export values have also fallen to the lowest level since 1933, and that the population has fallen to the lowest level since 1891. ‘This country is going backwards under National,’ claimed Green-Labour, amid calls that if Green-Labour were in power ‘we would’ve all died long ago.’

 

In business news, the average number of sick days taken by employees has risen by over three hundred percent over the past month, according to the Employers Union. ‘While many of these cases are legitimate, we fear that some employees are taking advantage of the pandemic, hoping no-one will notice if they throw a sickie for a day or two’ said Mike Davis, union CEO. ‘But we have our suspicions. If it turns out they didn’t come in to work because they died, that’s understandable; but if it turns out they didn’t come into work for a justifiable reason, they will lose their job.’

 

 

Good evening, I’m Noel Gallagher: and you’re listening to Snap News.

 

In international news, the shares of tinned food manufacturers and ammunition suppliers have in many cases tripled in value over the past week, as speculators continue to gamble that civilisation will soon end. ‘We’re banking on a return to nomadism’ said hedge fund manager Manjeet Singh. ‘Even if pockets of civilisation manage to survive, we’ll still make profits in excess of five hundred percent.’

 

Going over to politics, Minister of Finance Bill Summers announced that the tax system is being simplified into one substantial poll tax due to the widespread deaths affecting the Inland Revenue Department. Green-Labour criticised the move, saying that, ‘while there are clearly some organisational difficulties at the moment, the tax will hit hard working kiwis hard.’ Green-Labour also criticised the privatisation of government departments and functions, claiming that ‘the Employment Relations Court should remain in public hands.’ The government defended the moves, saying they were necessary if we are to remain on track for surplus in three years time.

 

 

Good evening, I’m Noel Gallagher: and you’re listening to Snap News.

 

In international news, there are growing fears that the H1N2 pandemic is causing a global stock market bubble. ‘Businesses around the world are having difficulty retaining staff. Investors are responding by pulling out of the real economy, and buying up shares instead’ said independent analyst Xi Ling. ‘If the human population ever recovers to its previous record high, the dividends will start streaming in.’ But Ling claims that at the moment ‘share prices are perhaps slightly elevated above market fundamentals.’

 

Going over to politics, the National party has dropped five percent in polls since the crisis began, with their handling of the crisis quoted as one of the main reasons. Green-Labour leader Bob Hope claimed that since National came to power, ’eighty-two percent of humanity had been wiped out.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by pointing out that ‘since the New Zealand population was declining less quickly than the world average, New Zealand was actually seeing a relative population increase.’ The shift of parliament to an undisclosed remote area of the Urewera mountains is due to finish by the end of the week.

 

In business news, stocks fell 0.4% on perceptions that the economy is becoming too feudal. Mitre 10 and Kings Plant Barn continued to perform well however, rising twenty-four cents and nineteen cents per share respectively.

 

The government remains on track for surplus in three years time.

 

 

‘…Fears the vaccine’s too expensive-’ ‘…on track for surplus in three years ti-‘ ‘-ccusations the company is profiting from the pandemic at the expense of-’ ‘…the government remains on track for surplus in three years ti-‘ ’-embers bill to propose voting on whether to set up an independent inquiry to submit recommendations on the feasibility of subsiding-’ ‘…census will not be taken this year-‘ ‘if re-elected, will take the necessary measures to remain on track for surplus-‘ ‘-oter turnout was lower than expected-‘ ‘-cessary if we are to remain on track-‘ ‘…verage life expectancy rates have fallen by n-‘ ‘…resh outbreak from contaminated cargo of vacci-‘ ‘-on track for surplus-‘ ’-ave no comment-’ ‘’…was when the riot turned ugly’ said-‘ ‘-three years ti-‘ ‘…grave digging boom continues-‘ ‘-ains on track-‘ ‘…still on tra-’ ‘-ee, years, time.’

 

 

 

End of transcript.

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